Searching for my Happily Ever After.

So that didn't last very long, did it?
I finally decided. I'll start.

I was feeling very bad as has become usual, a few weeks ago in Classics. Margaret (my teacher) noticed, and suggested to me that I see the councillor. I put it off for a long while until last night, when I realised that I really should.. It was about 1am, I cannot sleep much at all at the moment, and I decided. I started to write a note, so I could give it to him when I saw him in the appointment I planned to make today. I wrote the note so I wouldn't have to talk. All sorts of disasters can arise from speaking. I didn't think that my only mode of expression could cause so much trouble for me too. I left the house this morning with intentions, and was half-way across the recreation ground when I realised I'd forgotten the note. I stood for a full 5 minutes in the rec next to my house trying to decide whether I would miss the bus if I went back for it. Seeing as I'd already spent so long standing and deciding, I thought I should leave it and print it again at college. So I left for the bus.

I spent the entirety of today feeling half sick with the apprehension of making an appointment Should I really make this? Is it worth it? I went and plucked all the courage I could muster, and, towards the end of the day, entered reception and asked for the appointment.

There are some more things I'd like to write about in this entry, but I'll get this out of the way first..

Anyway I got home early because of a cancelled Psychology lesson. I went into the office to greet Dad, and stayed for a bit.. he took this opportunity to take out a neatly folded and familiar-looking piece of paper: the note I left behind. I thought I'd left it on my bed, but no, it would seem that I left it on mum's planner, of all places. The note said things like how bad I'm feeling, and some of the things that I do, and that I do not want my parents to know.. example sleeves-doorknobs, 8-poles etc. Dad led me up to his room where it's quiet and basically sound-proof where he had a talk with me about it (although I said practically nothing). Mum and he had basically assumed that I wanted them to see it (I did leave it on the planner after all), which of course I didn't. Mother has read it, but hasn't yet talked to me about it. I don't know when she will. I'm all nervous and jumpy because any minute she'll come in and I'll have to talk to her about it. Unless... oh I don't know. I just simply do not know. Anyway I was really hoping that they would not find out about it for as long as possible.

The other things about today.
I am still doing terribly in my home/coursework. Shit-ness. Indeed. I texted a friend today to get some encouragement or a prod towards the reception or something to get my courage up over it. I went to where he was spending his free. We ended up talking about his girlfriend, or rather, how he no longer has one. I don't really know what happened between them, but I suppose it wasn't working or something.. anyway last night we were talking about it too and he feels just about as bad as I do. Sameboatyness. Back to today. Suddenly he just gave me this big hug and started sobbing. I don't know whether he was actually sobbing or pretending to sob as a sort of 'oh shit life is so bad but I'm just kidding when I sob' (I know what I mean) .. but I felt like crying too. And as sudden as his hug was, he had let go again and was acting just like normal. I don't know, maybe he was joke-sobbing. But I felt so bad at that moment. I packed away, said my goodbyes and found a hidden corner in the college and just sat and wept. I really hate crying. It feels stupid, like I don't have a right or a reason to. I don't know.

As a little rise in mood, which is I think needed for the end of this entry, I went to Tunisia during the easter holidays. It was really great, I visited the Sahara (I have sand as a souvinier), rode on a camel (like a horse, only bumpier), went to Luke Skywalker's home (when I came back, I saw the film being played in HMV, and before I could stop myself I was jumping up and down and telling the nearest poor customer that I'd been there and walked up those steps and touched that fake plastic doorway..) I went to a Troglodyte dwelling (cut out from rock and hills), accidentally walked into a crowd of Muslims praying, heard the prayer call, visited the Roman city of Carthage... and other stuff. Oh I got a henna tattoo, but it's almost faded now. Oh and I went to a Turkish bath where you get an all-over body scrub along with a seaweed wrap (yes, even the breasts, and the massager, although he was very good and a professional, had those heavy eyebrows about him which always reminds me of a pervert or some sexual deviant or something..not that he was, I'm just saying.).
That's about it.. probably forgotten some stuff.

I really apologise about my long and stubborn silences. They probably won't stop.

Bye

Kim xxx

P.S. Mum hasn't come in yet.
End time: 20:28