Searching for my Happily Ever After.

On the Monday 21st Feb, I stopped writing because I heard a cacophany of shouts and arguments suddenly coming from downstairs. I cringed, everything had been so peaceful and had been going so well, and I turned up the volume on the computer to drown out the noise. Eventually I came downstairs to find out what all that was about. Here's what happened, from what I can make out.

Mum was going to go outside and Dad asked if, since she was going out anyway, she could close the garage door, which was slightly ajar. She launched into him and basically started being shouty. Benji tried to defend Dad, but Mum launched into him as well, saying that he had no idea what the situation and the events leading up to this was. Thus ensued a reasonably long argument between Mum and Dad.

The aftermath:
Dad and Mum weren't speaking for a LONG time, and even when they were, it was icily. Mum blamed Ben for 'taking sides': "You've chosen your side, Benjamin-Mark, stick with it." Mum also blamed me for putting my coffee milkshake in the fridge to chill. During the argument Mum declared to Dad that she no longer loved him anymore and this time she was going to divorce him for real; no idle threat. Dad was subdued for a long time after she told him that. Last time she said it, I told Dad over the phone, and he took it just as seriously as he does now.

I became pretty depressed and sat in my room for hours on end not doing anything (much to the detriment of my Classics coursework, which is due in Friday and I've only done the introduction). And I threw a few temper tantrums (I know, very childish), and threw some coins at the door.

Since then Mum's been regretting what she said and has apologised and apologised to Dad. Dad remains in a melancholic state, not sure whether to expect another threat of divorce.

I've not coped very well. It's the divorce thing, the sudden eruption of arguments. It's also that once I start thinking like that, I realise all this other stuff. I feel like I am going a little bit crazy. Again. All the things that I tried so hard not to do over the past year or so have come back. I find myself fighting not to touch those exact number of 8 wooden poles on my way to the bus stop, for fear of the bus leaving without me. I leave ten minutes before I used to, for the same reason. I have almost ceased attempting to open doors with my sleeves now, and instead I open them with my feet or elbows. No, I never said that I had OCD, did I? I still don't. Things that Wil says: "You must have OCD, you always check your planner, constantly"... it's assuming I said I have it. I may and I may not. I just don't want something wrong with me. But there obviously is. That gets me down. I feel insufficient. I feel fake. I wake up, fight back tears (sometimes with reason, sometimes I want to cry for no reason), get to college. I then laugh and jump and be silly when all I really want to do is crawl up in a corner and cry. I sometimes cuddle Alice, she makes me feel better, unless it's a Bad Day when I don't ant to touch or be touched by anybody. I then get on the bus, talk animatedly with Mr. Novelist the Bus Driver, get home, and then stay up becasue I can't sleep. I stay up and feel miserable and want to cry. I bite the tears back and want to sleep, but I can't, becasue I have trouble sleeping. If I didn't actually starve my senses by turning off every light, shutting all the doors, closing all the curtains in the house (I know that doesn't make sense but it matters) I would stay awake all night. Then there's the coursework. Because I feel far too sad and lethargic to do anything when I'm home, I don't do any coursework. This starts to grow into a gigantic looming tower of doom, and threatens to topple and leave me drowning in the stress and failure. I feel like just giving up on it all and staying at home and sleeping the rest of my life. But then I realise I can't do that, and feel more stressed. It's never-ending. It was going on way before The Argument.

Well, I said I'd write again when I could cope again. I'm not coping. I'm not coping a all. But I felt I needed to write something.

I will go now.

A long-winded and apologetic Kim xxx

(Ending time: 11:53pm)