Searching for my Happily Ever After.

It's late.

At half past 8 we were planning on watching the Prisoner together, but I had to do some important stuff and eventually came down at 9. When I got down there I felt everybody's eyes on me, and just exploded in a puff of uncalled-for defensiveness. And I really do me exploded. I was shouting, I was swearing... I just.. lost control. For no reason other than the fact that I thought my family were about to blame me for something. So I ended up upsetting Mum again, and she went upstairs and refused to see me or talk to me. I deserved it. But I really wanted to make it up to her (and to continue watching the Prisoner) so I asked Dad to talk to her in my place. (I'm sorry if this sounds as devoid of emotion to you as it does to me. I don't think I can write like that at the moment). We talked it through civily after that..
It ended with me giving Mum a hug which just lasted forever. I was crying. She was telling me what her psychiatrist had told her. She told me that I'm a good person, that I'm not a bad human being, I just do the wrong thing a lot of the time. And I was leaning over, hugging her, letting her hug me, and I was thinking,
My God, that's it. I'm a bad human being. I'm terrible at it. Just... look at me. It's obvious.
I started crying almost uncontrollably.

I cry because I've found an answer. One of the answers I've been looking for. It's an answer that I despise, but it is an answer. I am a bad human being. I'm selfish, I always relate things to me. I'm always having terrible rows with Mum, with terrible casualties. I'm an angry person. I'm so wrapped up in myself, my own doubts and fears that I don't consider anybody else.

Got to go.
Be seeing you.