Straight edge.

Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 - 9:27 pm

I've been in three moods today. Okay... maybe more than that.

I was in a strange happy mood this morning which slowly descended into a sad quietness. Along with that was numbness. I'm numb right now. I think.

I feel pretty bad...

I don't want to be crazy.

I decided not to apply for a well paying and accessible job last week. Do you know why? Because it would involve me using telephones. I felt that scared of phones that I passed up a job. I feel that scared of phones. I feel that scared. I feel scared. I feel scared a lot of the time now. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to be down. I don't want to be a bad person. But I was, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am.

I am.

What am I?
Who am I?

Does it really matter anymore. I am not me. I am not anybody. I am.... in the corner. Being afraid. Of everything.

I don't want to be crazy.

I love you all but I'll just hurt you, you know that, don't you? I will. I do. I don't know how to not. I hurt everybody. Particularly my mum. Even when I try not to.

I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to be afraid.

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