Searching for my Happily Ever After.

Now that I am done with that dream account I shall probably do a proper entry. Have you noticed my recent habit of writing more than one entry per day? Do you realise that this indicates precisely how I have absolutely nothing to do besides revising? It's a lovely day today, I shall go outside shortly and enjoy the scarce summer sun.

I am going to attempt to describe today in a few pictures, only I don't know how to wrap text around the picture yet.. ah I just found out. Useful! *proceeds to change random entries in here which have pictures requiring wrapping.* There. Okay. Well today I actually didn't do much. I got a certain person to sign my yearbook though - the joy! Ah people make fun of her but I can't find a single fault in the woman *happy sigh* So anyway. As you've probably been reading I've been quite concerned with theology and philosophy at the moment. I've been trying not to think about all of this because it disturbs me. Here is some prose that I wrote yesterday whilst waiting for the F.R.I.E.N.D.S marathon to start.

Sometimes I wonder how real all of this really is. Somedays I feel like I am just dreaming, like the people I meet are all in my head. I wonder how everything started, and what will happen to us when we die. I think about all this and get scared. I feel desolate and frightened. If all of this started with a Big Bang, like those scientists tell us, then what was there before to create the Big Bang? And if it all began by being created by a Higher Power, what made that Higher Power? And after thinking these things I wonder if there was just nothing and that's all that's in store for us, too. Nothing. That's when I feel alone. The worst feeling in the world, I have heard it said, is lonliness. You feel choked and desparate, a gaping hole right behind your ribcage. I find myself floating in a void, just me and nothing else reaching on forever and eternity. I cannot stop myself from thinking these things. Once they arrive in my head I cannot banish them away like I'm sure many people are able to. Sometimes I just have to wait until something else decides to implant itself into my mind. I used to only think about this occaisionally but now the thoughts enter into my psyche more and more often. Not just these thoughts, either. Many more, just as upsetting and disturbing. Lately I have found a way out to escape myself, this disturbing mind, even if it is for a few minutes at a time.

There. It started off as a secondary attempt at my novel but it simply turned into a diary entry.

I need to go now, I may be back after sundown to write some more. (it is now 8:01pm and the sun is just setting! SUMMERTIME!!)