Searching for my Happily Ever After.

I have a few notes to reply to. Ben accidentally broke the guitar today. Not his fault, it somehow got unglued.. you know, the bit that's near that hole which keeps the strings on/taught. It came off. We need Dad to fix it. Bang goes my scource of entertainment for a week.. two weeks. He's not coming back 'till next next week.

I drew Delerium today in the back of my English book. I've become rather fond of drawing, and in return, my drawing's become rather fond of me. I've got far better. I never finished her, she has no feet. Possibly because I wasn't sure what shoes I wanted her to wear. I'm fond of her hair the most. And I only drew one eye - the other was covered by her hair. She's not in colour. And she has faint lines through her - a result of English. As you can tell I've strated to read the Sandman again. I'm on A Game Of You, I think. I'll have to double check.

Two words. Joanne Harris. Good book. Blackberry Wine.

We did sonnets and stuff in English. And in History we did more on Ireland. And in Maths I was stifling a giggle over Laura, who was stifling the urge to leap upon MM. Food I sat in the company of P for 3 hours! Good lord. I'm writing initials now because I realised they could go search their names at any time and find their's and be angry at me. Anyway P was surprised at the amount of work I did and set me a page to do by Thursday. I am zooming.

As I wrote to Alice, the note was probably more suited to a diary entry. And as I said I am going to do one tomorrow let us presume for a minute that today is tomorrow, so I may do one today. I think I shall past her note and carry on from there. Incomprehensible.

I wasn't moaning. I was teasing. But I meant it when I said I'm feeling too young. I'm not changing. Everyone else is. I feel like... just one. Standing on the side, watching everybody going about their business, but not moving with them.

I am not with them, through no fault of my own. I have tried. I don't think I am viewed the same as others are. I feel as I am the last resort. The backup. The loud one. I don't think I am missed when I am ill. I do not, do not ever get telephone calls. Unless it's for school or the like. I do not think I am needed. I feel I have made an impact on my friends' lives, but I think.. minor. Minor. Minor changes which do not matter. I am the small one. The short. The annoying. The weird. The one who reacts too quickly and often fierce. I invoke a strong urge to have my head patted in others, which they feel they must absolutely fulfill, no matter how many times I have told them not to, and disregarding the possibility that it may make me feel unimportant and as child. I, and this may sound bad, I am more clever than a lot of you. I am not a child. I am aware I'm not as tall as YOU, so I do not need to be reminded of this insignificant difference in physicality every waking moment of my existance. I have wandered from the subject. I feel like I am secluded from my group. I tag along. We used to have such strong bonds. I am ridiculed and teased. And no one ever laughs at my jokes. Yes, most may not be funny, but out of all the attempted ones, there must be one that is. I am not talked to about anything important. I am not consulted. I have few meaningful conversations. I am made to feel like I am not needed by the ones I hold closest to me. Not loved.

I must go now. I hope somebody understands. I hope you realise how deep the things you say to me cuts. Even if you don't mean it.

Dina.