Searching for my Happily Ever After.

Just one more day until the holidays. I cannot remember what I've got tommorow. Oh yeah, I've got RE! I love RE. Mr. Middleton's hilarious, just so long as you can stay awake when you're listening to him.He's got the kind of dull boring voice which sends you off to sleep and it doesn't go with his sense of humour at all.

Oh yeah, I might have said this before but I'm going to Majorca on Saturday. For two weeks, Nan's coming too. I can't help but wonder whether we'd be going on this holiday at all if Grandad was alive. Oh god.. I just remembered something. I was at the finca in Majorca and I was talking to him on the phone. He asked me whether my ear was better (I'd had a bad ear infection) and whether I was enjoying the holiday. He said it in his gruff voice. Like he didn't care, but that was just the way he talked. He never once said he loved me. Not once. I know he did. Oh if I could see him one more time.. Grandad, I love you. I miss you. I wish..

I'm talking to a girl called Luci. She's telling me that she wants to kill herself. Her depression's made mine resurface. Her mother's died. My grandad's died. Oh God, why is life so cruel? Another thing. is there even a god? I'm not sure whether there's anything out there. Sometimes I think that I'm all alone, with no 'higher power' like God. It's horrible. When I think that it feels like I'm fallin off a cliff. A tall one with sharp rocks at the bottom. And there's no one to catch me or pull me back. It's like a black hole, empty and frightening. Not knowing what's next. When I think these things I'm scared but I sort of like it too. It's like adrenaline you get from stepping too close to the edge. What is next? Heaven? Reincarnation? Or worse.. nothing? I cannot fathom not being. All I've ever been is me, I can't imagine me not thinking, not existing like I never was. Another thing, what was I before? I must have existed before. But then, everything has a beginning and an end. So that cancels out the whole thing.

I must exist because if I didn't, I wouldn't be thinking about existance. Or 'I think, therefore, I am.'