Searching for my Happily Ever After.

This past week has been spent doing the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I asked if I could stand up and say something at Grandad's funeral, and having been allowed to, I've had to endure the worst thing ever. I've been trying to write a speech for him. It's awful. I would write three words, stare at the screen, and burst out crying. And I was trying to retell a story he told me when I was little, though I couldn't remember it all very accurately. I would type a bit, think "What happened next?" contemplate phoning Grandad to ask him, and then remember. Oh God.
Well I've only just finished it now. To be honest, I've been semi-procrastinating since it reminds me that he's gone so hard it's like being hit with one of those demolition balls.

Every now and then I'll start crying. It's awful. It doesn't matter where I am. On the bus, I'm crying. Watching TV, I'm crying. At the cinema yesterday I cried about 3 or 4 times. It's embarrasing and I'd like to say I just don't care - sod it, it's me grieving, but it's still embarrasing people seeing me cry.

All of this is the worst thing in the world. It's so bloody awful.