Searching for my Happily Ever After.

I haven't added an entry in some time, have I. I shall try my best now. This is what I wrote as an attempt of catching up on all that has happened, but I never put it up.

Okay, a lot to catch up on. Not last weekend but the weekend before... we need a word for that... I went camping with my family and my next door neighbours. We went to a forest campsite a little way from Chichister. When we got there we (Ben and I) found we could not really do much, and wanted to go and explore but Ian and Linda made Elizabeth stay and 'help' so we ended up getting very bored. The bed was really warm and comfortable, more comfortable than my own bed! It was an airbed with a sleeping bag on it, with my duvet on top. The next day we went on a great long walk which left my injured ankle feeling a lot worse than it had done, and pretty swollen. After the walk we went into the nearest villiage and sought out an old style tea shop. Now I've only ever been to two tea shops, one in Finland, on an island (we walked across the sea to get there!!) and the other near here (it has a bomb shelter in the garden). The bomb shelter shop is my favourite. Anyway, we had cream tea, although I didn't have tea with mine, I had hot chocolate with marshmallows, so it was a cream hot-chocolate-with-marshmallows instead (???). We spent the rest of the day exploring the campsite. Elizabeth was really pissing me off by the end of that weekend because whenever Benji and I went off to do something she'd go

"Nooo, you're being mean! You've got to go see this with me, I'm telling Mummy!"

Child. So Ben and I never went anywhere interesting and had to follow Elizabeth everywhere.

Ah, the cherade that is society and the pain that is life. One big bloody show.

I've just had my hair cut, I've had it cut up to my chin. I was in two minds about doing so because of the prom and everything but I decided to get it cut anyhows. It feels good and is way more manageable.

Kat and co. have found Alice's diary which, in turn, led them to mine. Now practically all my year know who I'm going out with. What's it to them, anyway? Alice and Emma have decided to password their diaries and I was going to, too. But I've decided not to (decisions.). If they have read all my diary entries, there's not much that they don't know already, and anything new won't be a surprise. No one likes me anyway, so anything I say in here will not affect anyone. I don't care anymore.

Told Laura yet another shameful secret yesterday. Thought I'd feel better once I'd told someone but it's made it worse and more difficult. Not Laura, she's been great, but it's because of some deep phychological doo-daa which is making me feel this.

I'm boring.

I'm depressed. Again.

For god's sake, Kim!! Oh I fustrate myself so much. Why can't I be honest to myself?

I don't care what the majority of the year think. But some people's opinions matter to me. William's, Alice's, Kate's.. Mum and Dad's. I've upset my parents. I went to Kate's BIRTHDAY sleepover. Well you all know what that means. Jehovah's Witness, no birthdays. I'm going to change that. I'm going to write a letter to the Bethel addressing the issues of 'my' religion which just seem fucked up to me. I'm going to do something, I don't know what, yet, but I have a feeling that I'm going to do something important sometime in my life. Change something. Maybe just someone's life, I don't know. I certainly won't change someone's life right now.

Emma says I caused friction at the sleepover. All I was doing was being myself and enjoying the party. I don't know what I have done.

I'm feeling hurt. By a lot of things. By things people have said, by things people have not said. By things which happen which no one can ever hope to control.

I've put myself on a chocolate ban for handing in homwork late. Keine Schokoladen f�r eine Woche!!

Reading Elizabeth's diary, I have learnt to be a little more open. Not honest, open, right? Elizabeth, don't be ashamed of your sexuality. Elizabeth seems like a nice person.

I made burgers in Food Tech. One plain, one with chilli, and another with mixed herbs. This seems like a strange entry because it is a lot of related sentences all in order. Related to my line of thought, in order to my way of thinking. Sentences are short, paragraphs are short, sometimes in note form, sometimes very descriptive. That is how my mind is working for me at the moment.

The knight in tarnished armour is standing in the corner. Once he stood in the centre, a shrine. But he has always had his amour tarnished. The cherub has stayed a long while. She has watched out for the small one with the changing eyes. The small one is depressed. She sits in the centre of the room, filling it all with her prescence. She is crying. Crying tears of sadness, grief and anger. Confused little-one sits in the centre thinking. The tarnished knight is crying silent tears as he looks down on his little-one. Cherub flutters, concerned. The guardian stands by little-one. Everything is growing colder for her. Missing her old ways, confused with the new. Guardian watches Angel from afar while Angel chats on. And all the while Little-one cries, aware of them all, hurting from some. The tarnished knight she once adored, but now she's not so sure. Cherub always being there. She appreciates Cherub, her kin. Angel is hurting her a lot lately. Careless chatting, along with Vanity. Vanity stands by Angel, accidentally hurting people. Guardian talks sense to Little-one, but doubts are growing, growing. Horrifying ambiguity, same as before, only worse, much worse. Little-one reflects on this, and cries some more, wishing to see the Music Man one more time, wishing she could stop seeing the true tarnish on the armour and see the false shine she saw before, wishing she could understand her feelings, that she could get up, and walk out of the crowded room. The audience look on, baffled. The small one with the changing eyes wants to get out away from the staring eyes and bemused expressions.

I think that is probably enough diary, don't you?

Farewell, Kat Nobbs, read if you must, but judge not.